yadu

Knew he should refuse his father yayati. How did he know what was the right thing to do?

sense enjoyment is sin because

In order to enjoy senses, you must think you are God. Thus you have to forget who you are. Then some mechanical arrangement is needed to create a situation where enjoyment is possible. This mechanical arrangement works on the principle of increasing greed and addiction in order for it to increase ecstacy at every step. The end result of indulging here is great misery, distress, anger, frustration, addiction, isolation, social malfunction, and other problems. In the spiritual realm these problems are reversed. The individual, be he God or a servant, is constantly absorbed in how to serve the beloveds. In this consciousness, there is full knowledge of one's own identity and proper relationships with others. One is not anxious to secure sense enjoyment and does not even think about the senses. Being absorbed in joyful activities, there is no time to dwell on what the senses might want or need.

elements

That sweet dish which I can't resist is made up of Shiva and Shakti who entered all the elements in order to activate them. It is almost like eating a fake gulab jamun which recreates a fake momentary bliss and reinforces addiction and habit as soon as it is executed.

vinash kale

It is time for me to fall flat on my face and suffer so that my pride can be smashed. Thus I'm taking the wrong decisions and being misled despite my efforts to do the right thing and to not be swayed by lies.

forgot

I forgot that I need more astringent taste in my diet.

stumped

I keep falling.maya and kali havs believe their lies and I'm blind due to desire.

less grains less sleep

everyone is my spiritual master

This is how Prabhupada saw his own disciples. They have come to teach me. To give me a message.

dishonor is unavoidable

Without dishonor one cannot appreciate honor, in this world of duality.

your only fault

Is that you thought I am God.

lies

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. I know what to do. I don't need to apologise. I am right. Others are childish.

I can rely on my mind and intelligence. They're not corrupt.

I am chanting. I don't need to deepen sadhana, surrender, repent, or listen carefully to the soft voice of God trying to protect me from downfall.

more you enjoy

The more you enjoy in this world, the more degraded your character becomes and you lose motivation to do anything that does not supply the same amount of pleasure that you're used to.

jesus versus ambarish

Lord forgive them... For they know not what they do

Oh Krsna, I accept this situation as Your compassionate and great mercy upon me

kadamba kanana swami

Told me to give up miserly association in my dreams.

false ego

It hurts when people don't like me because the false ego wants to be adored by everyone. 

underwater to above the clouds

vindicated in your dreams

I feel that I will be recognized someday. Someday they will all see how great I am. Someday they will know just who and what I am. A great saint. So tolerant and so meek.

you think you're going to be big someday?

Buddy you're a kid, and you think you're going to be a big man someday

You grow up and you still think you're going to be great someday

You're old, and you're sick and about to die, and you still think you're going to be a big person one day. Somebody better put you back into your place.

triggers

The next time I am triggered by reversals and I just want to subdue the pain of powerlessness with some sugar, I need to pause. I need to calm down and maybe let myself cry. I am powerless. I cannot control many things. I need to accept that I am addicted to sugar because it helps me cope with frustration and feeling powerlessness. I need to be grateful in those situations and remove myself from all opportunities to take in sugar. I need to go for a walk. Drink water, exercise, breathe deeply and just observe until the wave is gone.

vain dreams

Your wife is a saint, he said to his brother.

Oh that brought me so much vindication. It was such sweet justice to hear those words. I was so proud. Yes. Now I've been proven right. Now everyone knows how great I am.

Unfortunately, I am only beginning to realize what my position is. I'm trapped. I'm hooked. I don't want to get out of prison. And it's filled with hateful others. The more we all enjoy here, the worse our qualities become. And I'm trying to see if there's an easy way out. But it's a tough way out. Resist temptation and repent all my sinful desires and acts. Be humble and tolerate insults. Be prepared to be hated and misunderstood.

only a passenger

I am a prisoner in the body being punished for wanting to become God. I am only the passenger of this car or boat or chariot. The driver is not me. It is intelligence, either purified by Krishna or deluded and corrupted by Maya. So I have only the choice of whether to cry or to be proud of being the body.

krishna likes it when

You serve those who are fully surrendered to Him.

You struggle against the lusty mind and senses.

Humility and devotion. I am not better than others, no false ego, I am not the doer, constitutional position, I am not controller enjoyer propreitor I'm not God. I am not independent.

Constant awareness of the Supreme Enjoyer within and His instructions, qualities, pastimes, associates, and asking Him what is in the best welfare of all in this moment. You know better.

madness

I bought milk powder. I bought shortbread cookies. I bought peanuts and peanut butter and crunchy granola. I bought fig crackers and energy bars and coconut barfi bars that are more sugar and less coconut. I am insane. I went and bought poison. A year's worth of sugar in one week. My scalp hurts. I have brain fog. I can't remember things. I forget why I bought something or what I had decided.

I must make a resolution. I must make it visible. I must inform others. And I must hold myself accountable. I can't make excuses like daughter dear didn't eat it so I had to.

i am an addict

I have fed my. Addiction to sugar since childhood and perhaps previous lives. And it has become a natural choice for me. Unfortunately, that, instead of activities, has become the source of my fulfillment. I feel less anxious and able to cope. But this habit has cost me health. My body is reeling under the effects of this addiction. And I keep thinking it's okay. I feel crappy and unhealthy but I can continue on this path and nothing bad will happen. Which is a LIE. I am inevitably headed toward a complete catastrophe. I don't want that to be the reason for change. Let me change NOW. 

gift card from pg

The gift card was from pg. Not from we wonder who. I was so scared. I was imagining that t got taken from playgroup. So much fear.

telepathy with God

Not being able to hear God is because we are tuned in to other persons or emotions. To tune in, we need to practice telepathy with God. When we think of Him with love, think of His qualities, and then with a strong emotion send out a message, He hears it. And if we continue thinking of Him, we hear Him respond.

story of my falldown

I was happy, being instructed from within by yogamaya, serving guru and Radharani. Then I made some offense. I thus developed whimsical ideas. I then fell down. I forgot who I was. I forgot how to go back. I witnessed dream after dream. I developed a false ego that allowed me to think I was independent and making my own choices living my own life. But I was simply a bull being led by a rope. No real independence. Maya turned me into a slave. She needs souls to run the prison which deteriorates. She has this seva. I am thus engaged in trying to give pleasure to the senses. Mind. Ego. The basis of my illusion is ego. False ego is powered by Lord Shiva. I cannot escape it by simpy wishing.

I must be humble to avoid the false ego's domination. I must know that I am the passenger, not the charioteer. I must know that my Prerogative is only surrender. Nothing else. Surrender to maya is, I am the emjoyer mentality. I am God.

Surrender to Krsna is, I am nothing but  servant who must constantly ask to be engaged in following the order. Unquestioningly.

But I am fallen. My intelligence is corrupt. And I have so many desires to enjoy and so many attachments. So many bad habits and so many misconceptions. Lack of faith and fear of giving up what I think is me and mine. 

i don't know what to do

I have to admit. I don't know what to do. I'm being misled constantly and it sounds logical. Every one is being misled. There is danger darkness and illusion. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to get out of this dangerous situation. And I am attached to the conception of being the controller owner and enjoyer.

sugar sag

Pus in the scalp and probably in other organs

Laziness

Lust

Greed

Memory loss

Madness

Illusion

Addiction

Dissatisfaction

Anger

Frustration

Anxiety

Obsession

Lack of discrimination

Loss of intelligence 

Loss of integrity

Loss of helplessness

cheater cheated

I thought it was a good idea to enjoy sugar in moderation. Tbe moderate amount kept growing and I bought so much junk. Now I'm full of regret. Shortbread, coconut bar, super high sugar snacks... All for the Kiental Trip.

ready for insult?

I will be insulted. Am I ready to take full shelter? 

jaded

Am I jaded easily? Am i shallow and not able to connect within to Krsna to see reality from His eyes? Am I blinded by pride?

what impresses

Is devotion. Not external, but internal.

beg

With a corrupt intelligence, how can I rely on my own faculties to do the right thing? I have to beg Krsna to please dust this carpet of my heart and make it clean. Please clean my mind, intelligence, and heart. I cannot function. I am addicted, corrupt, unable to follow instructions, and unwilling to follow instructions. I pray that I can stop drinking poison. That I can be better than my sickly condition right now.

i am better

I saw an interview between anupam kher and Gaur Gopal Prabhu. I was able to find pride in Anupam Kher, taking credit for what Krishna helped him accomplish. And I thought Gaur Gopal prabhu should be directly preaching. Why was he being superficial and avoiding quoting from scriptures? Then I thought, why am I so critical? I should be praying for the welfare of my sister souls. Maya is so strong. I should be proud of the soldiers who are trying to fight her.

false god

I wanted to be a false god. I wanted to be a controller enjoyer propreitor. Now I have created my own conditionings through repeated wrong choices. This is why the theory that we are all god appeals so much to people, because secretly that is the reason we came here. This is the original disease. And thus because Krsna is naturally God without need to desire to be so, we hold malice against Him in our heart. And this manifests as malice toward other beings.

tolerate whom

Tolerance means to tolerate harmful urges. Not people.

Maya's promise

You can be God 

is Krsna angry

Does He love me so much that He's just concerned and not angry?

Perhaps He is angry, but that is His love. He loves me. Let that be my strength and faith. Krsna loves me intensely.

troll under the bridge

Maya is the troll under the bridge. Just ignore or be humble.

Pray for the fallen. Pray to see those who try to hurt you with the eyes of Krishna, with compassion for what the desire to enjoy has done to them resulting in the choices that they're helplessly making.

To achieve this stage Constantly pray to become a selfless well wisher of others.

how to fight maya

Take shelter of the holy name, chant knowing you have no control, that you're fully dependent, and begging forgiveness and the right to serve all others as Krsna wills.

Remember that Paramatma is your best friend, He is your guru and is always with you.

Serve pure devotees

Attack the root of illusion: false ego (body, enjoyer, controller, propreitor)

Give up malice, no one is forever evil and wicked. It is just the spell of illusion.

Develop the desire to be cured. To be a servant. To be an instrument.

Remain enthusiastic and determined. Don't entertain hopelessness. It is a ghost manipulating you just like those that induce suicidal thoughts. 6

desire to be of help

I desire to be cured.

I desire to be able to help others regain health.

expand consciousness

From being body conscious become universe and Krsna conscious. See the world the way Krsna sees it. Feel the need for transformation. Feel the need to be somehow of help despite being so diseased and sick myself.

malice

I must see every person as an eternal associate of Sri Sri Radha Krsna. In this way, I musy give up all malice. Otherwise I cannot progress. No matter how evil, a person has their origin in Radha Krsna and is simply bring condemned by material energy due to their taking false credit for what the material energy is doing through them. It's a prapanch, deception.

consciousness

I am mind and body conscious. Aware of the demands of my mind and senses. When I become Krsna Conscious I will be aware of what is the needful that needs to be done to please sadhu, guru, Krsna.

eyes and tongue

Agitated senses.

No watching other things while hearing lectures. Exercise while hearing. Mind is filled with strange suggestions of how to enjoy senses. Very pathetic. How can I give Krishna happiness? Through choosing tapasya for pleasing Him rather than pleasing myself.