story of my falldown

I was happy, being instructed from within by yogamaya, serving guru and Radharani. Then I made some offense. I thus developed whimsical ideas. I then fell down. I forgot who I was. I forgot how to go back. I witnessed dream after dream. I developed a false ego that allowed me to think I was independent and making my own choices living my own life. But I was simply a bull being led by a rope. No real independence. Maya turned me into a slave. She needs souls to run the prison which deteriorates. She has this seva. I am thus engaged in trying to give pleasure to the senses. Mind. Ego. The basis of my illusion is ego. False ego is powered by Lord Shiva. I cannot escape it by simpy wishing.

I must be humble to avoid the false ego's domination. I must know that I am the passenger, not the charioteer. I must know that my Prerogative is only surrender. Nothing else. Surrender to maya is, I am the emjoyer mentality. I am God.

Surrender to Krsna is, I am nothing but  servant who must constantly ask to be engaged in following the order. Unquestioningly.

But I am fallen. My intelligence is corrupt. And I have so many desires to enjoy and so many attachments. So many bad habits and so many misconceptions. Lack of faith and fear of giving up what I think is me and mine.