i saw

Gurudeva, sleeping on one side and viplav on the other side. Then I was runnubg in a college feeding my parents samosa and other stuff. Getting water for them. And a boy was doing the same for his parents. And we hadn't got our own meal. And I had to find  a replacement for someone else's half meal. And a zombie girl chased me down so i covered her nose and mouth and pinned her down. But she still ran after me so I woke up with my heart beating hard.

peppa association

Not good obviously.

Pigs are gluttonous, greedy, lusty, lazy, and fat.

dream

Papa went to a filthy eatery and paid someone a bribe to 70 or so to clean up so that he could eat there. There was cheese pav bhaji being served. Also jain as i asked about it. Why was i eating out? With them?

Before that some woman came home to sell us dry fruits etc. She threatened that she'd feel bad if we told her no. When i said, if you do, the police will teach you how to talk nicely, i said it jokingly. Then she left. She was a neighbor, mother of a tall girl living downstairs on some floor.

In the dream, papa said that because of me and my miscalculation lunch got delayed. And he drank 2 glasses of tea to curb hunger. Then he was asking me to pay him money and putting it into an envelope.

oh me tto bhool chali babul ka des

Piya ka ghar pyaara lage

tu mera janu hai

Tu mera dilbar hai

Meri prem kahani ka

Tu hero gai

Prem grath ke panno par

Teri meri tasveer hai

My personal threatening alarm clock

visions

I need to chant constantly in humble desperation offering respect to all and keeping krishna in the center of all discussions with vaishnavas. If not, I cannot give up material desires. I need to hear about Krishna from a pure devotee.

I saw visions of how kidnapped women fall in love with their captors. How fallen ive been in past life, so much lust. How i need to reject sense enjoyment. How addicted i am. How unempowered i feel to give it up. How much im eating. And how my decision to just let my tongue guide my life is taking me away ftom humility, from Krishna, and from Gurudeva.

the problem

The problem is that i see nothing wrong with chocolates and sense gratification esp through the tongue.

I think it's okay to indulge once in a while.

I keep forgetting that more  sugar means more hunger cravings and lust

Plus, it doesn't help when prabhupada says we should eat prasada to the neck

Nor does it help that sugar is a bona fide offering. The basic element of food as such. But only an excess of it leads to problems. And addiction. Heart hardening. And bad behaviour.

doubt

delusion that nothing may be right or that the right thing may be unknowable to us.

A conditioned soul is capable of believing anything and everything.

must endeavour

I must endeavour to control the senses. I must be very careful. I must not let the wrong thing happen or continue.

bekhudi me sanam

Hth gaye jo kadam

Aa gaye paas ham

hyunhi

I met a girl in my dreams went to her home. Met her sis n family. They folliwed a religion called majdi? She gave mevmany gifts. I forgot my wallet at her home. 

songs bothering me

Kate nahi kat te

Tune awaz di dekh me aa gayi

sleepy

I'm hungrier and sleepy while chanting.

I need to give up sense enjoyment. I must. No looking back. I've been eating for lifetimes and I can continue eating for lifetimes, and I'll still need more. It's a never ending story.

shelter

Take shelter of the Holy Name when you are craving food.

where do I go

Temple or wedding? Or alone somewhere?

sweet food

Women get turned on by sweet food and men by spicy as well as sweet food. Seems to be universal.

let the dead bury the dead

I am no more concerned about who will do the funeral ceremony for my parents. Let the dead bury the dead. I'd rather hear and chant the glories of Krishna. Nothing else matters.

amrita and lucky

I dreamed that my father has another family with two daughters of his own. Amrita and lucky.

its a trap

By convincing me that I need to help people who believe in past life connections, I will be trapped in trying to explain, save, and, help and rescue people who have "misconceptions" so that I am trapped, distracted, and fooled and cheated gradually. My mind's true focus will shift away from Krishna.

fear and indecision Isa wedding

Should I go? No. Non devotees. Nothing to do with Krishna. But how to stay alone at temple? Or home? What if maa is brought home? What if I go and then am attacked? Should I msg Isa about fear? Should I msg Thanh? Will I be raped? Will I go and eat karmi food and lose more Krishna?

Asat sanga tyaga. It really means giving up false association. Really. Even sith neophyte devotees. Can't make excuses about wanting to help.

I CAN'T HELP ANYONE. i need inner guidance for Everything.

tera muhjse he pehle ka nata koi

what is going on?

I don't know what is going on. I am listening to my mind and accepting its suggestions. I should be very careful that my mind does not associate with lust anger greed pride envy illusion. I am a spark of consciousness identifying with the external phenomenon of the world. It is actually being carried out automatically. If I identify with the super soul within, then I can reside happily in the city of nine gates. But as soon as I tune in to the avoidance of pain and seeking of pleasure of the mind, I become hooked to the outside reality of names and forms. What Parikshit Maharaja did is what yogamaya did. What did he actually do? He just had devotion, and a desire to hear about Krishna. Very eager to hear. And that's all. He could understand what is going on. Krishna is allowing parts and parcels of Himself to identify helplessly with forms and names in different circumstances. Sometimes much is achieved and other times the value of that life is considered zero. But the real fun or real story begins when the soul realizes that it was never me. It was never me. It was just false identification and acquired desires. It could be otherwise. If I just think I'm a servant if Krishna and Guru and give up all other identifications, then the outcome changes.

So it is a game of identification?

Or controlling the mind?

Or just hearing submissively?

Or just floating along thinking, I have nothing to do with this?

Or renouncing asat?

Or ensuring I don't eat see hear or do things that agitate the mind by taking shelter of devotional processes?

Or realizing I don't actually need food and only my soul and body survival is worth attention?

Or breaking all the rules and not being so fanatic? Because fallen people need help? I shouldn't give up asat because then it's too extreme, too lonely, and too much? 

fuzzy creatures in the heart

When i give up the desire for sense enjoyment by eagerly and constantly hearing Krishna Katha from pure devotees then Krishna Himself will remove the impurities in my heart and come to reside there. From the hard heart, soft sita will be born.

I remember that a black fuzzy energy wiggled into my chest after I went to the seminar of chandramukhi m.

Fanaticism

Inability to have Guru and Krishna s perspective.

Inability to deal politely

Inability to connect in a mood of service

no energy

When I have no energy I just eat sugar to get some energy. But actually, when I drink hot water at such times, my constipation is relieved and I feel much better. I should drink hot water when I am hungry next time.

I ate the crackers I cooked for Tulsi this morning. I shouldn't have.

my sense satisfaction

Rajendra clearly told me that his sense gratification is obstructed if I don't do video calls.

need friends for tulsi

okay for Tulsi

Corrupt intelligence

If it is not okay for me, how is it okay for Tulsi?

No thinking of giving Tulsi sugar. Keep her away from drugs, alcohol, excess sugar, and cocaine. At the temple, she can have. Otherwise not.

Prepare lightly sweetened payas or kheer once a month, but not too often.

be determined

NO EATING AFTER 6

NO SUGAR

NO SWEETS FROM TEMPLE. REFUSE TO ACCEPT THEM AND THROW IN THE TRASH IF YOU HAVE TO. KRSNA WON'T PUNISH YOU FOR WASTING MAHAPRASAD. YOUR SOUL WILL THANK YOU FOR NOT AGITATING YOUR MIND.

the ministers within

Some voices in my head glorify me, telling me how strong willed I am, how I am so intelligent, how I am almost a pure devotee, just one step away. I should not get flattered. They are liars, hiding my pathetic condition from me. I am a fool, making a fool of myself, hearing those I should reject, and insulting those who are honest.

keys

Chant in a humble mood attentively and with a desire to serve and please Gurudeva.

Don't make offenses by being proud.

sarva dharman

Take shelter of a braja wasi. Only by pleasing your Gurudeva will Krishna remove all propensities for sin from your heart.

aparadha

Avoid it at all costs. With the false ego it is only inevitable that I will offend devotees.

the secret

My heart will br cleansed by Krishna only when I try to think constantly of how to please Gurudeva and consider my self the most humble menial servant of EVERYONE.

My attachments and anarthas won't go away automatically.

wheat and sugar and milk

And cream, which is an aphrodisiac.

I have worms. They live on all the sugar and whear flour I eat. I have to give up the sweet tooth. I must. It has to happen someday. Better now than when it's too late.

pride

Pride is the false confidence that I can please my bodily senses independent of Krishna.

idiot

My husband didn't want to move close to Krishna Tempel. Idiot. Now he realises how important it is.

super frustrated

I've been avoiding sugar and dinners. And I've been trying to spend good time with Tulsi and reduce her interaction with her masi, whose dog is Tulsi's sole point of interaction. I am so frustrated. Because Tulsi decided to help me do the dishes. Because i like to do it my way, without mess, without her breaking any glass, and without her getting wet, making a mess outside the sink, and wasting water. I just had to scream at her for rescrubbing things, putting washed dishes back in the sink, coming in my way and making it difficult for me to just finish doing the dishes and be done with it.

But what about her life. She needs to know how to do the dishes. She needs to know how to clean up. She wants to imitate me. It's better engagement than just a screen. And she will bond with me and we'll be closer to each other if we do the dishes together. I should invite her, let her make a mess, try to teach without yelling, and be happy and enjoy instead of being so grumpy. I have to let go of my need to be in control, prevent things I consider nasty के जब्त

31 dec at temple

Mixed bag

Difficult to think apart from false ego