indulgence

Kills my bhakti

Makes me turn away from humility

Makes me lazy

Makes me more desperate and mad

Makes me forget things

prison life

Vedic injunctions teach you how to live in prison. How to deal with other inmates. We're all imprisoned here for sense gratification, but some are more dangerous than others.

While in prison be vigilant constantly. Give respect even when none is offered in return.

If you're caught indulging in making plans for how to enjoy your tongue, your sentence will be extended. More lifetimes will be added to your term.

sinking down

The easiest choice for the soul to make is to choose enjoyment over suffering. It thus makes a series of unintelligent choices which give only temporary benefit or pleasure. It then becomes habituated through the mind to make the same choices again and again. Eventually it finds itself in the pits, sinking further.

Telling others the truth is ineffective because everyone has full faith in illusion. No one thinks the coronavirus is a punishment from. GOD. Some think it is by chance, some think it is evil, some don't care. But hardly anyone would believe it is a punishment. People gladly suffer in the material world without thinking twice about why they must suffer. Why should a soul have to experience bodily death, rebirth, old age, and sickness? No one questions it and everyone goes on with the program, happily making the wrong choices based on the promptings of the false ego, and ordains a terrible future life unwittingly. And in the present moment, each remains ignorant of

Their identity

Their sphere of influence

Their safety

Their faulty ability to think discriminate and choose, 

And their limited intelligence and complete dependence on Krishna.

Reading Srila Prabhupada's books regularly immunizes us to the effects of maya, her misleading suggestions, and her tricks to trap us in an endless cycle of rebirth.

I am so sorry that I fed my lust, greed, envy, pride, anger, illusion, and false ego in general. I am so sorry that I am now so sick that mt tongue is diseased and I cannot taste the Holy Name. Just chanting once is enough. But I am. Not in proper health and so cannot chant properly.

Proper health is to think of others

Think about making others happy

Think about how I can serve

Bad health is to think of how I can serve my own selfish desires

How I can make my own self independently happy

And to keep thinking about me.

who we are

Krishna and Radha, the primeval Lord, are forever in a wondrous magical way intertwining and collaborating to create multiple energies, elements, phenomena, systems of consciousness, objects of perception, invisible realms, time, space, conditionings, and qualities.

I am a spark of consciousness originating from Krishna. I failed the test of selfless service and so am here in a material body, and my eternal punishment is to be happy with sense enjoyment under the laws of material nature with no recollection of my original nature so that I can be okay with everything the way it is.

The coronavirus is just one example of the many ways in which recalcitrant jivas are punished. But no one thinks that this is a punishment for wanting sense gratification. Everyone thinks this is just plain bad luck or blames some framed enemy.

If the false ego hears that desiring sense gratification is the cause of all problems, it rebels immediately. And it even destroys the messenger.

The false ego, and mind, whatever it is, I'm sure it is a combination of Krishna and Radha in some interesting way which produces this fascinating phenomenon, in any case, this false ego is a major major factor in keeping bound souls in illusion. First, they're proud. Falsely. Second, they're thinking they know what to do and are not afraid of rebirth. Third, they have no clue that they're completely controlled. Four, they think they're the doer.

bhogaishvarya prasaktanam

I should not maintain strong attachments to getting my way. Even after saying wuth honey four times I was given cough syrup with sorbitol instead. I guess that was Krishna's arrangment. I was so angry. I was really wild. I was upset. I ate some sweets. I was just unable to tolerate the anger welling up. Such a dumb woman. I said 4 times! She can't understand? Anyway, so I have attachments and so I can't accept that things don't go my way, even when I'm clear about what I want.

Dauji warned me. You'll make offenses and get a reaction. Don't make offenses. Be calm in all situations. Even when your expectations are more than torn into shreds and thrown into the drain.

I must learn to give up all expectations that I will

Get what I want (big one)

Get respect

Be understood

Be supported

Be liked

Be given a second chance

Be treated the same as others if not better

Be ignored

Never be mistreated

Be recognized

cuz i aint givin up you better know, oh yeah

Waking up with a song in my head and a distinct feeling that this is being explained to me to distract me from Krishna. From bhakti.

I don't care if I have to hear this for an entire lifetime or more. It may be chronic like my cough, but I am determined to ignore it. No matter how stressful my relationship with Dauji or Tulsi becomes, I will never ever consider this proposal. It is just a trap, a witch called maya misleading me. May I gain intelligence with the help of the mercy of devotees.

scary songs

Mothers be good to your daughters.

Also I saw the bhakti Retreat days and heard, at the end of the retreat it will all be over.

Am I a bad mother? Is the retreat going to bring major challenges?

choice

If I choose to continue allowing myself to be distracted with food, I will die and miss the boat amd will be forced to accept another material body that will encage, bewilder, and kill me.

If I choose to pursue the relationship I have lost, and ignore the pullings of the mind and senses to engage externally, if I choose to be sincere, accept that I am not and cannot be the enjoyer, if I can choose to give up planmaking for sensual pleasure in the form of food, if I can instead engage each free moment in pursuing a deeper understanding of  who i am, how I've been captured and bewildered, how I can use my time to leave this madness behind, how I can help perhaps others to do the same, if I can reject the material mind and accept pleasure and pain to be equal, refuse to pursue pleasure and be willing to endure pain for the welfare of others, then that choice will transform me into another worldly being, disassociated from this realm of competition with God, rebellion against His position as the sole enjoyer controller and propreitor.

I know it's true. Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura in Navadvipa Bhava Taranga makes it clear what spiritual eternal happiness is like, how pastimes manifest to qualified beings, how maya lifts her veil for those who are purified and have received mercy. He makes it clear that those who wish to continue flirting with fire experience most unpleasant sensations eternally. However, they become so used to it that they think it is acceptable.

Those who are done with becoming famous and righteous among theives, who are not fooled by the empty promises of the world and its enjoyments, who are humble, knowing their position as a being created solely to give enjoyment to God, and His servants, and to receive God's love in return. I was not created to try and enjoy sitting on a wooden swing all by myself. I was not created to cook and eat to make my tongue happy. I was not supposed to then become addicted and depraved, and misbehave with others due to conflict with my lust or the frustration of my lust. I was meant to lust for seva to Sri Sri Radha Krsna. I was created to enjoy rasa with Them and Their devotees.

When I make the right choice, be it in this lifetime or millions of lifetimes from now, I will be tested, I will have to determinedly remember that I'm not the owner of this body nor meant to enjoy its sensations. I'm a servant sitting at the feet of my master, my guru, and I am meant to run each thought by him and carefully prevent undesired actions and perform desired actions.

Otherwise the sanga which can help me be free will simply be snatched away from me due to offenses.

i am an eternal servant of Radharani

I am a servant under my Gurudeva. He is a servant of His master, who is a servant of Gauranga Mahaprabhu. In this way, I was created with a specific seva, specific body, specific rasa, and specific character. I have lost it.

chanting in vain

Selfishly proudly uselessly

service to sadhus

Service to pure hearted souls leads to purification of the senses by their mercy. Senses that are pure can see Dhama and senses that are impure see only illusion.

dificult to give up anarthas

humility

I am not independent to do as I please. I am subordinate to Krishna and I must obey Him always, at every moment.

love of maya

Sense enjoyment is tough to break free from.

what is real?

I believed so many theories. I was wrong.

tapasya seems to make joy sweeter

cut by a knife

In a fit of anger tulsi took a knife from the kitchen and attackdd me by cutting my skin.

dose of your own medicine

When Bhagamalini laughed and corrected me saying, it's not a little person it's Krishna, I felt like she cut me in the middle of the sentence very rudely. I felt pain. I felt insulted. She may know a lot of stuff, but she has no compassion, no love, no empathy. She just wants to prove one-upmanship. And she doesn't mind hurting others to prove that she's right, and moreover, she's better.

Perhaps I have been rude with others. Perhaps I have been mean and condescending. Perhaps that it why getting a dose of my own medicine hurts so much.

insulted ego

When Dauji said

You trust your mind too much. You have created this story. My bro has nothing to do with it. I said he has lust and I saw it in his eyes. That he may have, it is a possibility, said Dauji.

You don't even know how to discriminate between the good and bad voices in your head. You didn't even understand the ABCs of Krishna Consciousness that you should not trust your own mind.

AS IF HE CAN DISCRIMINATE AND IS FULLY SURRENDERED TO KRISHNA. THE FACT THAT HE CANNOT SPEAK WITH COMPASSION IS PROOF THAT HE IS SURRENDERED TO MAYA. AND HE THINKS HE'S NOT. HE THINKS HE HAS THE RIGHT TO INSULT ME BECAUSE I WAS WRONG ABOUT DONALD TRUMP AND NOW TRUST THE HINDI SONGS IN MY HEAD. MY BROTHER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HINDI.

AND I FEEL SO INSULTED. I FEEL SO HATED. SO MISUNDERSTOOD. SO ALONE. SO PAINED AND HURT. AND I WISH THIS SAME SUFFERING UPON HIM. LET HIM ALSO FEEL WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE IN MY POSITION. LET HIM GO THROUGH THE HELL I'M GOING THROUGH. I WISH HE WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW MEAN AND PAINFUL HE'S BEING. I WISH SUFFERING UPON HIM ONLY SO THAT HE BECOMES COMPASSIONATE AND THINKS MANY TIMES BEFORE DISMISSING SOMEONE AND INSULTING AND HURTING THEM.

IT'S NOT VERY SAINTLY TO WISH SUFFERING UPON OTHERS. BUT PERHAPS THIS IS THE ONLY WAY A PERSON LIKE HIM WILL LEARN. I MUST BE PEACEFUL, ACCEPT THE INSULT AS A BLESSING THAT HELPS ME DETACH FROM THE WORLD AND MY TEMPORARY ROLE IN IT.

can't distinguish between mind and Krishna

I don't know anymore who is guiding me. Is it Krishna or the material mind being controlled by various entities? I guess by default it has to be evil entities. If I want Krishna to control my mind, I have to surrender at each moment in humility.

sadism?

If I punish my own fragments for being pleasure seeking like me and let them suffer for almost an eternity because they made one wrong uninformed choice and I purposely mislead them, then am I sadistic?

needed for success

Selfless service

Exceptional Continuous efforts

Willingness to take risk

Eagerness to hear is the first qualification.

Philosophy, staunch devotees, practice daily for the rest of life.

pre ekadashi fast

Planned milk fast. Ate grapefruit for lunch. Ate amla before heading out with Tulsi. Came back and binged on almonds and walnuts.

correcting others

I got a dose of my own fault. I got corrected. Doesn't feel good at all. I guess I do that as well. Cutting people off and correcting them.

kill bhakti says kali

Fake paramatma tells me, don't go for a walk with Dauji and Tulsi. Let them go, stay home.

He wants to break my marriage. He wants me to be distracted with thoughts of food, and eating things that cause me to be ungrateful, mean, rude, stubborn, offensive, proud, greedy, etc. These enemies in my heart cause me to lose all good qualities, to become so lost and so mad. I lose intelligence. I need to guard against this force which wants to destroy my bhakti, destroy my good qualities, 

sadhana eliminated

7 am and I'm waking up now. Can't wake up early. Can't stop thinking of food and cooking.

Behavior going from bad to worse. Offensive, unkind, angry. Completely bound by false ego and thinking it is me who is deciding what to do next.

I MUST GIVE UP SWEETS AND SNACKING

EAT ONLY AS MUCH AS NEEDED AND ONLY LUNCH, NOT DINNER.

cheated by maya

I am distracted, tempted, failing, accepting laziness, making offenses, losing good qualities, losing bhakti.

I need to

CHANT WITH FOCUS AND HUMILITY AT BRAMHA MUHURTA

HEAR DAILY FROM DEVOTEES AND Maharaja, Without fail

PRACTICE KINDNESS, PATIENCE, AND HUMILITY, BE IN THE MOOD OF A SERVANT

what is wrong with me. I am trying to prove to others that I am very

Religious

Right

Better than them

More humble than them

More knowledgeable

More well behaved

More advanced

I hardly talk the glories of Krsna and His devotees.

don't identify she said, surrender, i said

With your false ego.

Hahaha. But she is defending her ego all the time. So much so that I was saying only surrender to Krsna can result in overcoming false ego, and you cannot think maya away. But she was trying to argue back so much, that my voice drowned and she didn't hear the part about prapadyante.

humility

You know better

control dramas

Interrogator

Corrector/criticizer

Poor me

Aloof

Bm

Why do I want to protect her?

A person with oppositional conversational style is a person who, in conversation, disagrees with and corrects whatever you say. 

Uddhava Gita with Bhakti Siddhanta Saraswati Thakurs commentary is not a little person, its Krishna. I was saying it has BSST personality, but she cut me in mid sentence and corrected me. Its not a little person its Krishna. Well everything comes from Krishna, but BSST has his own little personality as a part of Krsna. Like Tulsi or Ganga.

She has a big false ego. Needs to correct others to feel better. Never thinks she is wrong. Never accepts defeat. Always condescends. She is grateful though. She also likes to interrupt, mid sentence, although she hates it when others do it to her.

I said, i can't understand BSST even in English what to speak of bengali.

Reply: I'm not saying that I understand his bengali, just that whatever I understood was pure nectar.

Basically, the conversation is, I'm humble, and I'm more humble than you.

We never discuss directly Krishna. It is always in the context of I'm such a great devotee, I'm so humble.

I was trying to end conversation by thanking. And it turned into an argument. It's not a little person, it's Krishna! And I was trying to fight back, No No I'm right, I was saying it's BSST. The book reciprocates with you. Fire.

I'm right. I'm right. We agree? We're both right. You're wrong, because otherwise I can't be better. No you're wrong. NO. nO.

giving up

You can't be a yogi unless you give up sense gratification.

After that comes training

Know your enemy

Then you are pushed into the battefield

greed for sugar

Causes adhd

And leads to hyperactivity

surrender to mentor

Tomorrow if I get a rape child, and ask her for support, she'll say I told you to chant the prayers.

if its Krishna's body

Why should I pray. Why should I care. Because there are consequences to experience. 

if you dont humble yourself

Time will forcibly humiliate you 

cheating

Perhaps veda priya m is annoyed that I am duplicitous. That I am oversmart. That I am too lazy. And that I am asking for permission for the wrong thing.

dadhici

Did not love his body as much as he loved Krsna. He was prepared to accept extremely unfair events lovingly, and did not protest why Krsna was doing this injustice to him.

love of the body

Creates fear

Gaura Prema first

please give me your Prema Bhakti, Radharani

please remove all obstacles to pure devotional service from my heart

how can I serve here and now

radha bhakti

I want and need Krsna, or rather, Radha Prema. If I am asking, let me beg for Radha Prema. I cannot surrender without it since I have too many material desires. May I spend the rest of this life begging for Radha Prema, and the removal of all material desires. This is the only solution to all my suffering.

narasimha kavacha

Must take shelter 

bindi

I should wear bindis

cow care

Go raksha may be one higher cause I dedicate my life to.

kubja

Since I chant with a curved back, Krishna is telling me to not be like kubja and chant with my back straight.

lazy donkey

Tulsi keeps watching it. It was for me to hear. I am the lazy donkey.

suspicion against cc

Caitanya Caran prabhu was laughing about how iskcon is producing devotees who are mainly manpower for institutional sustenance and are not actually being given the free sky to grow. I thought that might be a deviation and avoided hearing from him. Such wonderful association, and I rejected it, compelled by false ego and a tendency to blame my fallen condition on "bad" association.

if you knew, would you try to prevent it

If I know that this person has been given the impetus to chase me down, should I be doing anything special or different? Is Kali trying to mislead me from bhakti, is it just that simple? Or is this going to go to another level... Ram shyam dand bhed? Will I be threatened, punished, will rumors be spread about me? Will dealing with the result cause me to have great pain? Will that be an opportunity to show great tolerance and restraint? Will it be the door to a new world and life? Will it be a test of loyalty? What is it going to be? This suspense is killing me. Meanwhile I'm struggling with the anartha of eating sweets. How does that play in? Am I making things worse for myself?

What Sahadeva knew, could that have helped? Why did he know about what would happen to Draupadi?

Anyway, what happened to Draupadi was a public humiliation, and tantamount to an attempt to rape, foiled by Krishna.

Will I be spared though? Or am I doomed to have a rape child? Am I supposed to approach the police? Or am I supposed to let Krishna bring justice on His own way? 

premonition versus fallacy

Am I concocting future scenarios and over thinking things? Or am i really about to be raped, and get pregnant with a rape child and be thrown out of my own family and forced to adjust to a bigger shell? Is that a karmic reaction awaiting me that will seem really dark but is just Krishna planting the seed underground? I desperately need association, guidance, and help. I need someone to evaluate, whether my conclusion is sane or escapist or idealistic projection, or factual intuition? Am I set to be another sindhutai sapkal? Am I going to suddenly be freed from griham andha kupam? Will all my friends and relatives reject me? Will I be hated, misunderstood, and surrendered? What is going to happen? If I only had a hint.

Am I supposed to reject this thinking pattern because I must obey my spiritual master's instruction to be an exemplary grihasta, dealing with controversies without running away? Facing challenges instead of trying to escape with an excuse.

Sometimes what happens is unfair and bad. Draupadi and Abhimanyu got a raw deal. But they took that situation, allowed it to let them turn to Krishna, and found inner strength beyond the shelters of the world?

Rape may be commonplace. But that doesn't make it normal or okay.

Rape children may be common. But that doesn't make it okay for me to just lay down and accept destiny without standing up for justice, to give a voice to the voiceless.

shock and pain

When I tuned in to today's class of Caitanya Charan Prabhu on growing through the Covid Pandemic, I was shocked. Krishna wants us to break out of our selfish family circle and adjust to a new shell of the bigger family of planet earth. And karma will bring us down to our knees and break that shell. Now I am confused. I am wondering whether staying on through problems and proving my loyalty is going to be the real test, or is the real solution to wait for the right moment to make an exit from the shell that has become too small for me? Now I am really confused.

pray for sat sanga

Gopis attained Krishna prema without tapasya, scriptural study, etc. They simply achieved it through sadhu sanga.

dasya das tu radhika

http://www.harekrsna.de/radhikastaka_kk.htm

I heard Bhakti Caru Maharaja singing this bhajan.

He was also singing about Lord Caitanya, how he has taken the bhava of Sri Radha.

irritated

I had grapefruit for breakfast and I didn't get my sugar dose from breakfast pancakes. I hadn't chanted all my rounds and Tulsi woke up as usual not wanting to take a bath.

I was cooking, trying to do it fast so I'd have time to chant later. I managed to cook by 11:30 and sat down to chant. Dauji asked "you don't eat?" and I instantly felt pressurized.

Tulsi was eating with her hands and face covered in sauce. She then fell off the chair and bumped her head. I put an ice pack and took her back to eat more. I asked her if she needed to pee.

She said no. She ate, then she wanted to sit in my lap, and she was taking all the time in the world. I wanted to wash my hands, and so I finally took her to wash her hands and she was heavy to carry. My belly was overfilled with food and paining. I could hear the song, kaise bhoolegi mera naam, in my mind, and I was really not happy.

She then started screaming when I tried to brush her teeth after she had started brushing. She put the toothbrush in the sink. And then she said I have to do pee pee and started peeing in her underwear. Dauji asked for her clothes to take for laundry and I angrily started pulling the clothes off. They were wet and I had a hard time pulling them off while trying to prevent her from climbing down and running away. I then held her waist tight with my palm and gave the clothes to Dauji. I squeezed her waist to make sure she wouldn't move and angrily squeezed until her ribs hurt. I was really mad at her. I then took her to the other bathroom for a rinse, feeling no empathy or remorse. I scolded her. I screamed, should I use diapers on you, and the poor thing said Okay, sure. While crying. And I was even more enraged because I wanted her to say no, please don't put me in diapers again.

I was just out of control with rage. Why?, how can I prevent it.

1. Don't expect food to satisfy you. Especially sugar and sweet.

2. Don't be anxious about having clean clothes and Tulsi touching your clothes while eating spaghetti.

3. Don't worry if she has an accident.

4. Don't let Dauji pressurize you.

Don't cook coconut cookies again. They were too dry.

Don't take the music in the mind seriously and become upset.

lack of satsang

miserly, unwilling to serve

death will forcibly transfer me to another body

And death can come at any moment

milk is essential

Other fatty foods are not. Prabhupada.

worse than dead

Maya covers spirit and makes it not only dead, but worse than dead. In that it is perverted beyond recovery by itself.

thick fatty lymph

Because I try to enjoy with the tongue I keep forgetting that my lymph is clogged and my body dehydrated and dry. I need to stop this self destruction.

only means of deliverance

One should associate with those engaged day and night in the loving service of Krsna. As long as one does not have resolute faith in the words of a sadhu, it will not be real sadhu sanga. I will die before I fail to follow the instructions of the sadhu. Sadhu sanga is the only means to destroy one's desires for material enjoyment, all material ties and the hard knot in the heart.

problem and solution

I am here due to aparadha.

And I will remain here as long as I don't cry to Krsna to take away my anarthas.

The anarthas of anger, greed, pride, envy, lust, and ignorance or madness must be given up through begging Krsna to take them away forever.

I also have duplicity, pride, lack of faith, and the attitude of an enjoyer.

If I can correct my attitude, or desire to get blessings that will correct that attitude, then I will be able to chant offenselessly, admitting that I don't know what is to be done. Only then will I be able to attract mercy.

Sacisutastakam destroys offenses. I should chant this prayer daily.