irritated

I had grapefruit for breakfast and I didn't get my sugar dose from breakfast pancakes. I hadn't chanted all my rounds and Tulsi woke up as usual not wanting to take a bath.

I was cooking, trying to do it fast so I'd have time to chant later. I managed to cook by 11:30 and sat down to chant. Dauji asked "you don't eat?" and I instantly felt pressurized.

Tulsi was eating with her hands and face covered in sauce. She then fell off the chair and bumped her head. I put an ice pack and took her back to eat more. I asked her if she needed to pee.

She said no. She ate, then she wanted to sit in my lap, and she was taking all the time in the world. I wanted to wash my hands, and so I finally took her to wash her hands and she was heavy to carry. My belly was overfilled with food and paining. I could hear the song, kaise bhoolegi mera naam, in my mind, and I was really not happy.

She then started screaming when I tried to brush her teeth after she had started brushing. She put the toothbrush in the sink. And then she said I have to do pee pee and started peeing in her underwear. Dauji asked for her clothes to take for laundry and I angrily started pulling the clothes off. They were wet and I had a hard time pulling them off while trying to prevent her from climbing down and running away. I then held her waist tight with my palm and gave the clothes to Dauji. I squeezed her waist to make sure she wouldn't move and angrily squeezed until her ribs hurt. I was really mad at her. I then took her to the other bathroom for a rinse, feeling no empathy or remorse. I scolded her. I screamed, should I use diapers on you, and the poor thing said Okay, sure. While crying. And I was even more enraged because I wanted her to say no, please don't put me in diapers again.

I was just out of control with rage. Why?, how can I prevent it.

1. Don't expect food to satisfy you. Especially sugar and sweet.

2. Don't be anxious about having clean clothes and Tulsi touching your clothes while eating spaghetti.

3. Don't worry if she has an accident.

4. Don't let Dauji pressurize you.

Don't cook coconut cookies again. They were too dry.

Don't take the music in the mind seriously and become upset.