choice

If I choose to continue allowing myself to be distracted with food, I will die and miss the boat amd will be forced to accept another material body that will encage, bewilder, and kill me.

If I choose to pursue the relationship I have lost, and ignore the pullings of the mind and senses to engage externally, if I choose to be sincere, accept that I am not and cannot be the enjoyer, if I can choose to give up planmaking for sensual pleasure in the form of food, if I can instead engage each free moment in pursuing a deeper understanding of  who i am, how I've been captured and bewildered, how I can use my time to leave this madness behind, how I can help perhaps others to do the same, if I can reject the material mind and accept pleasure and pain to be equal, refuse to pursue pleasure and be willing to endure pain for the welfare of others, then that choice will transform me into another worldly being, disassociated from this realm of competition with God, rebellion against His position as the sole enjoyer controller and propreitor.

I know it's true. Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura in Navadvipa Bhava Taranga makes it clear what spiritual eternal happiness is like, how pastimes manifest to qualified beings, how maya lifts her veil for those who are purified and have received mercy. He makes it clear that those who wish to continue flirting with fire experience most unpleasant sensations eternally. However, they become so used to it that they think it is acceptable.

Those who are done with becoming famous and righteous among theives, who are not fooled by the empty promises of the world and its enjoyments, who are humble, knowing their position as a being created solely to give enjoyment to God, and His servants, and to receive God's love in return. I was not created to try and enjoy sitting on a wooden swing all by myself. I was not created to cook and eat to make my tongue happy. I was not supposed to then become addicted and depraved, and misbehave with others due to conflict with my lust or the frustration of my lust. I was meant to lust for seva to Sri Sri Radha Krsna. I was created to enjoy rasa with Them and Their devotees.

When I make the right choice, be it in this lifetime or millions of lifetimes from now, I will be tested, I will have to determinedly remember that I'm not the owner of this body nor meant to enjoy its sensations. I'm a servant sitting at the feet of my master, my guru, and I am meant to run each thought by him and carefully prevent undesired actions and perform desired actions.

Otherwise the sanga which can help me be free will simply be snatched away from me due to offenses.