never cook dessert for tulsi again

She doesn't eat it and then I feel obliged.

guard your mouth

Speak less

Eat only prasad

Eat only as much as absolutely needed not more

Prepare for lunch and dinner in advance before leaving home. Keep healthy backup options especially for Tulsi so that you don't have to eat outside food. It will give you pronographic nightmares.

nine processes unmixed

Shravanam. Hear only about Krsna. Do not hear anything else.

Kirtanam. Glorify Him, Devotees, and Devotion. do not glorify anything or anyone else.

Smaranam. Remember Him, His pastimes, duties toward Him, His qualities, names, forms, and those of His devotees, and His instructions. Do not remember anything else.

Pada sevanam. Use your energy to serve His instructions.

Arcanam. Offer everything to Him. Your pain, your desires, your situation, your helplessness, and your love. Do not worship your false identity or illusion.

Vandanam. Pray sincerely. Constantly. With the mood to try and serve.

Dasyam. Be a constant servant of His, not of your senses or mind or urges or worries.

Sakhyam. Do not try to make friends outside. Make your Gurudeva your only friend.

Atma Nivedanam. Do not try to be independent and rely on Him alone for all actions, decisions, and upliftment.

tivra bhakti how to do it

unmixed bhakti-yoga of hearing, chanting, etc., may be performed by one and all regardless of inner motive

give up sin

How can I give up sin and uncover pure love of God in my heart? 

why was sruti rupa

Constantly praising me and perhaps insulting me by calling me an esoterist?

That she is impressed by me having so called knowledge independent of Krishna, means she is in illusion. I don't like her buttering up my ego like that. I am insignificant, and whatever I know is only the mercy of Krishna. Why was I talking to her. What did I get out of it. That I am better. Because she is fearing and is in tamo.

prajalpa

Talking about the body or someone else's body is prajalpa. Health issues. Better to focus on Glorifying Krishna and His Name and His Devotees and Pure devotional service. Don't talk of anything else. People who talk only about themselves and only complain are proud, mad, intoxicated, desiring attention, don't want to be helped, and think they're way better than you. So avoid them, don't focus on them, and if you have to, change the topic to Krishna's pastimes.

nadaan se dosti friendship with d

Will cost me my spiritual life. This conditioned soul can only disappoint all my hopes of finding friendship. Why did I sit down to eat pasta and cake? I couldn't wake up early. Now I lost my chanting time again! It's 6 am.

I should know better. I should be friends with Krishna alone. Gurudeva alone. No one else is a friend. All are sinply disappointers. Only going to take me away from truth, Krishna, and my goal.

songs

Rehne ko ghar nahi sone ko bistar nahi...

Ho mubarak tujhe hamnawah mil gaya

vaishnavas serve each other, not their own senses

And that is why they are liberated

soul selling

I have sold my soul, just to enjoy eating something supposedly tasty.

most expensive chocolate

In the hotel in goa, with no shops around, you refused to eat a chocolate that you knew should cost much less. You could control your tongue because you knew the price.

So you can control sense urges, and other urges of envy, greed, etc. because you know it will cost you your eternal freedom and bind you to slavery and illusion. Is it worth it? No. Sense gratification is never worth it. Not even just a harmless little bit. Because that little bit is the hook in the mouth of the fish. Once you're hooked, you're finished. You won't be able to unhook. Heavy price that ypu have to pay, and it wasn't even on the price tag.

humility attracts Krishna

And a sense gratifier cannot be humble

welcome distress

Krsna will dannce on your head

sankirtan destroys anarthas

Glorifying Krsna and  His devotees in the company of  sincere devotees 

song

Be rang zindagi hai raftaar chahiye

nightmarish thought

When I woke up this morning I was thinking, what if me or tulsi are abducted?

In my dream, someone hired a bodyguard to stay safe from being abducted.

focus on wanting to serve

don't reveal paramatma to others

He has a right to remain anonymous.

mind mirror

The mirror of the mind, when unagitated by thoughts of pleasure and pain, is calm and reflects the nondual reality? 

pride in ability

We become proud when we think we know how to extract pleasure through material manipulation.

tulsi a wonderful instrument

Your friend's name is Richard said Tulsi

Yes I said. That's true. He is my friend. How does she know his name? He's talking through her. So sweet.

She said many things like that. Call viplav your brother. She was asking the names of her cousins.

I have to give up this dry renunciation. It's helping no one. I can pretend to be free. But what's going to really free me is the desire to give up material desires.

It's a desire based prison. Change your desires, change the outcome.

But how can the mind be trained to rise above duality and stop seeking pleasure in external events? Can tapasya or tolerating pain and pleasure with equanimity help? 

don't talk boo boo baa baa

And scare people away. Be rational in the material way. Be logical.

live for others

I need to please others without compromising my own principles so that they will be receptive to the message of Krsna. But I must be careful to remain surrendered and prayerful that I don't become entangled and blunder.

But how do I constantly surrender without deviation or personal motives? 

give up the hope that sense gratification will make you happy

give up the hope that sense gratification will make you happy

It agitates the mind and thus cleansing the heart and mind is not possible because you are constantly agitating it.

My forms of sense enjoyment are

1. Recipe videos

2. Cooking sweet food

3. Contemplating what to cook

4. Temptation when Insee Tulsi or others eating sweets or talking about them.

dream

I saw a strange dream in which the husband of Indulekha Priya told me not to tell her the something. Was he cheating on her? I'm not sure.

I then saw two persons who used to be boyfriends fighting over me by proving to me that they cared more.

nuts and maida

I have difficulty digesting nuts and maida

bad association

If you love a demon, you turn into one.

preaching to Prabhus

They think she likes me. 

communion with God

God cannot commune with those who are not like Him. Those who have turned away, take shelter of sense gratification. They cannot be heard by Him nor do they hear Him. They are disconnected and for all good purposes, dead. They have turned into matter. Only a tiny spark remains under the thick debris of sense enjoyment. The thick plaque in the heart which hardens the heart and arteries.

no one to love

I have no one to love. Can't connect with Krsna. And don't want to connect with worldly people.

harinaam and silence

Just chant the Holy Name and otherwise be silent. Just listen. Don't talk. Don't explain. Just listen. Then ask Krishna to do what He wants. Don't plan. Don't try to control.

problems are everywhere

Not just in Langenthal

stop preaching to mom

Just ask how are you and that's it

unholy association killed my devotion

I have to start over. I can't operate with intimate relations with nondevotees.

rasananda is honest at least I think so

I mean he was very clear about the school policy, preaching, and status.

But why did he have to criticize smis students for using mobile phones?

duplicity uncontrolled senses

Result of intimate association. Maya won. I lost.

need for repentance

Need to admit I'm sick

I'm addicted 

I need help

I need fixing

I can't fix myself

I've created a mess

I am here for your enjoyment

All the things like this body, family, resources, knowledge, are all by Your grace. 

All that I do is actually done by You through me, based on my desire and intention and purity or past karma.

pride of possession intoxicates

Only the vow of poverty, knowing that nothing belongs to me, can make a person humble. Otherwise one thinks I have so much, and becomes intoxicated.

without service attitude hearing is ineffective

Hear attentively in the association of sincere devotees and serve them. Then when you chant, the seeds will grow. Just hearing without a service attitude is like putting seeds on dry rocks. They don't grow.

sake of cake

For the sake of some cake, we accept material bodies with tongues and are willing to labor, suffer, and befome miserable in exchange for one bite of cake.

religion versus bhagvat dharma

Certainly some people are pious ans follow varnashrama rules. But the vedas are like desire trees. They prove to you what you want to hear. They reveal different truths to different people based on their desires and motives.

if I actually receive the grace

Of Lord Nityananda, and take the position of guru, then certainly the devotees st langenthal would shun me, reject me, consider my following to be the cause of great damage to Srila Prabhupada s movement, and may even attempt to punish me.

rasananda prabhu impressions

He was willing to speak for a long time. He was describing seriously impaired students without trying to dress it up.

His heart is soft. But his ideas are dogmatic.

dauji assumes a lot

And usually he's totally off. Langenthal mood is clear. He was  way off.

langenthal impressions

From bhakti Retreat i already knew what to expect. Langenthal is conservative to an unhealthy degree. Women or souls embodied as women are expected to never use their intelligence. They are baby carers and cleaners. They cannot be guru. They should not work.

Women must be in sari. Head covered. Dauji told me to wear a skirt. He was totally off the mood. He heard Rasananda explain that girls should be trained in cooking and cleaning. That they should know that education is not for women.

Lisa said to take Lena to zug, and I had to make an excuse. We're staying overnight. We'll take her tomorrow morning. Lisa says no I'll take her myself. She then says to stay in guest room in  the temple. Why spend so much money.

Temple guest room is occupied. But now every member of the congregation says, Baar ist ein bisschen zu weit oder? How long it takes to go? 2 hours. Oh. No further comments. No invitations to please come to our home. They're not ready for that level of servitude.

Dauji says we don't explore Langenthal tomorrow. We leave now.

I haven't the heart to be honest. I'd rather go home too. Lisa looks angry. Come to my home she says. But it's a mess.

United family at langenthal. They are set. Conservative is their style. Every new addition is trained up.

At least if we don't go there again we have travel as an excuse.

mind clouds reality

I am seeking something other than Krsna. That is why I see something other than Krishna. If I look for Krishna I will see Him. But if I'm looking for something else, then I'll see something else.

bewildered by edibles

I become bewildered when I see something to eat. I forget that it makes me worse. It makes me angry, it makes me dependent, it makes me sleepy, my body fills up with worms, and I cannot perform offenseless chanting.

I have to choose between pleasing the materialists/senses and pleasing Gurudeva. May I have the intelligence to give up what is useless and obtain Krsna Prema. All I need is the association of pure devotees and the strong determination to get Krsna.

next time

She should book her own hotel if she wants to take an early morning flight. Instead of blaming me, she should have booked hotel herself.

lost my temper

Screamed at Tulsi for not standing straight when I needed to put her shoes on.

cheat them into becoming devotees

anyway

I got what I wanted. Twice at the temple. Hearing kirtan. Paid obeisances at home. Heard damodar ashtakam, stories of devotees of Krishna. My job is done. She got some sukriti I hope Krishna. I am sorry if I was a bad instrument. Thank you Krishna.

she wants to move here!

She spent 300 bucks to come see switzerland so that she might be able to move here in the future.

She wanted to see eth campus. She wanted to understand public transport. She was trying to speak the basic greeting. She was shocked that I was spending so much money on her. She felt guilty I guess. Because she expected the worst. She hates me and is envious of me. She thinks I am a great fool. And she wants what I have, life in switzerland.

mouth guard

She needs a mouth guard for teeth grinding. Must be due to frustration.

forgot her kindle

Tea bags, chocolate barks, mouth guard. 

glad

She's gone. Glad she paid for her hotel. I had had enough of paying for her crazy desires to visit science center, etc.

not telling her

That she's going in the wrong direction islack of compassion. I shouldn't encourage her that she's right by taking her to karmi places and paying for it.

if i was more surrendered

Krsna would have found a better option for me than lindt.

an envious person is never satisfied

No matter how far you bend your back for them, they still want to get more from you.

If I excuse myself to chant, then it's a problem for her. Why can't you chant in 2 hours like your husband and be done with it.

Maya is trying her best to detour me.

Did I do the wrong thing, taking her to Lindt choc home? At least she wasn't indoctrinating Tulsi with Damsels rock and other programming.

I know she's crazy, and she knows I'm crazy.

Why did you throw the tickets away? We could have gotten freebies at the end of the chocolate tour.

I her mind she thinks she paid 70 chf for all our tickets.

trying to entertain her

I am trying my best to entertain her. I should have let her do what she wanted to do. She's constantly checking to see if she got the best deal.

loves to punish

She will laugh at me and punish me for not being what she wanted me to be.

godless virtues

They do not know that real virtue is god consciousness. They consider mundane piety to be godly. They do not know how to milk the cow of piety.

sari duniya ka boj

Ham uthate hain. She brought that bag so that she'd be able to get rid if it. The books too.

if

D did not have ability to donate to temple, would he still get the same treatment? If he was on the street, would it change?

Who is truly going to give us shelter when we are in need?

must cook very quickly

If I take too much time to cook, she will take tulsi and go off somewhere. And then tulsi might get hurt. Because she is selfish.

cannot allow her to take tulsi to the library

impatience with waiting for bus

do not trust

She let tulsi run ahead next to a boy on a bike and he hit her and she fell down.