Hurt people hurt people

 The ego cannot tolerate being corrected, disparaged, disrespected, and called stupid. In cases where the ego is not able to compensate for pain, it plans revenge. It plots how to cause the same pain that was inflicted on it. The ego then proceeds to correct, disparage, disrespect, and call stupid the perceived enemy in order to vindicate itself. The topic at hand is completely irrelevant. It does not matter. Logic is thrown out of the window and twisted badly to suit the winner.

The person being spoken to makes no sense anymore. The pain pours out like a cup of lava, burning everything.

The strain on my marriage began when I fanatically refused to let T drink formula milk. It then disintegrated further when I began feeling more lonely and overworked and emotionally broken. It then completely collapsed when I was telepathically hooked up. And now, with my complete distrust of crypto assets, it has all but vanished. Still there is some little thin thread holding things together for want of a strong enough reason to call the whole thing off. That would require a serious drama, lots of misunderstandings, and a major threat or something just unacceptable.

Until then, I remain as a piece of junk, good for nothing, unable to cook well, unable to care for the child and buy proper clothes for it, unable to garner any goodwill or respect at all, and unfit to hear from because it is just all hypocrisy. I am not just a maidservant. My position is worse. I am a rat, being tolerated only because of some vows that were taken to care for me. I am talked down to, made to realize just how much of an unwanted piece of junk I am. Made to understand just how valuable the words coming from my mouth are, which are filthy and full of dishonesty. I am not a part of the family. I am just someone who happens to be there, and has to be tolerated. If I died, it would be a relief.

I feel unloved, hurt, rejected, and disrespected. Perhaps my inability to appreciate crypto is making me the greatest enemy there ever was or will be. Krishna I feel terrible. But somehow I can appreciate that the future will vindicate me. I feel glad that prides will be smashed down on both sides. I feel happy that my attachments are weakening, and my resolve to surrender is being strengthened. I pray that I can do my duties to please You. I pray that I can make the right choices that make You happy.

I heard about the whole expensive charitable hobby, which was supposed to be the replacement for the job, and then I went, such a ****! I mean, if there is no need to work hard for a living, why the whole mad working late into the night? Why the whole drama of being busy? And why not focus more on spiritual life than just the mad rush to set up a website and act important? Instead of chanting early in the morning, this guy was doing two jobs at work, and now is working more than 24 hours a day to prove to himself that he is capable, or safe, or just avoiding pain. But it is seriously screwed up. I don't get it. And I just don't understand why I was told, reduce the contribution to the temple to 5. I mean 10 was proper for the previous level of income. Now it should be higher. And I am working like a lower middle class servant. I could be spending more time chanting and reading and studying scripture. Why am I doing things that anyone else could do? Why do I have to take the bus to go shopping? Why do I have to wait a whole week to do laundry? Why am I working in a tiny kitchen without a food processor? Why am I so miserable? Why can't my life be a little more easy? And then I'm told, YOU SEE? YOU thought all this investment was crap. NOW? You want to decide what to do with it? You want it? You told me it was SHIT. Now get LOST. You're getting none of it. And we don't need you to cook in Mayapur. We're just going to eat out every day. And the only thing we need you for is the oci card. After that, if you're there to do the laundry and not complain, maybe you can stay until it is time to throw the garbage out. Thank you Shaligram Prabhu for those words. Just use him to throw the garbage out. He is going to hurt you. He knew it. I guess everyone knew it except me.

And he told me that we have to readjust our temple contribution because he doesn't know his earnings. And now he said it is way beyond what you can imagine. He somehow agreed to share the details of the income with me, and it just made me so mad at him. He's reducing the temple contribution because he wants me to feel the pinch. Like there's less money now than before. He thinks, LOok, NOW she sees how important I am, how smart I am, how much she should be respecting me.

And I asked if I could go shopping on Monday, and he said, can't you shop online. So apparently if I go out, it is a problem? Is he just so addicted to his work that he doesn't want me to go shopping because then he has to take care of T the whole day?

In any case, he felt guilty about mistreating me and did the dishes, and tried taking care of T since he anyway cannot rely on me to take care of her. She's underfed, unhealthy, and not being taken care of properly in general. And who fed the baby the giant ice cream when she was down with a throat infection?

Misguided by false egos, that's what it is. I just have to stay calm. At least my husband is not a drunk. He doesn't eat meat. He doesn't beat me up. And he never called me names. I should be grateful. Some women I know have taken way more abuse.