Temptation

 The senses draw me to indulge in old habits, those that I gave up long ago. Somehow, my deep indulgence in sweets is making a resurfacing. I am not completely averse to sweets, but I am still attached. And the senses demand, the mind convinces me by making a suggestion that is acceptable to my intelligence, and I find my body executing the action. Here is some carob and milk powder mixed with water as a substitute for my chocolate addiction of the past. Does it taste great? The tongue certainly thinks so. Did I offer it? Nope. I broke my own rules. I don't offer when I am in a hurry. For whatever reason. Compromised integrity. I don't confront my mind. I don't restrain it by using scriptural intelligence in certain cases. This indulgence was dukha yoni. I have a throat infection due to kapha dosha swinging out of balance, and I get impatient, angry, etc. and my scalp has boils on it now due to toxins in my system. I am not eating at the right time. Whims dictate my intelligence. Whims of my mind based on the flickering desires of the uncontrolled senses. The intelligence, being without support from surrendered humility, is corrupt and invents strange logic to support all the uncontrolled behavior. I did nothing wrong. It was not outside the purview of Krsna Consciousness. Wafers that are low fat are okay, because they may have low prana, but a little bit never harmed anyone, esp. if D and T feel happy by eating them, then even if I abstain because I am trying for self realization, at least I get to be in their favorable light. Who cares what is actually good for them? As a housewife I am responsible for what they eat or see at the table. If I don't give them the best options, the responsibility for their degradation falls somewhat on me, esp. since T has no power to discriminate yet.

I don't share the truth with others because I know they will find it unwelcome and unpalatable. So I stay in their good books by saying only that which will appeal to them. I fulfill the desires of their senses so that I can feel safe. I need them to not be angry with me or disagree with me.