How fallen I really am

Since my initiation, I haven't actually bothered to take shelter of the Lotus Feet of my Spiritual Master and engage in his service. I should have done this long ago. But three years after initiation, I realized, "oh, oh, I'm supposed to take shelter - of Krishna? of His Lotus Feet? No I am supposed to start by taking shelter of my Guru's Lotus Feet." Okay. Great. I wasted so much time, I couldn't even figure that much out. I mean, mangal arati, guru puja, the hint is more than a hint. It's an open instruction actually. And I was just tagging along, being lazy about discipline and duties, just focusing on external relationships, and not thinking about internal life much. I was actually confused about what to pray for now that I got initiation. I was like, so now what? I guess I just follow my guru's instructions. What else? And I thought, well, exemplary sadhana - looks like baby step by step will get me there. But taking shelter. I didn't figure it out until it came now, through different sources, but the message is getting through. And I hope I can sincerely and seriously take shelter. And actually reform myself, my habits, and get disciplined. I really need to get my act together.

My attitude is so bad. My heart is filled with garbage. I can't wish good for others. Especially, if they hurt my ego at some point in life and are very close to me. I mean it is so difficult for me to forgive certain people and certain events. I just can't get over it. And I assumed the worse about one situation. I was so silly to think like that. This person was suffering and I thought I was being ignored because I was being considered offensive and fallen. I was so insecure, that I assumed that my friendship has been rejected. I was so hurt and angry that I was blabbering curse words alone to myself at home. How horrible. My ego cannot handle rejection, or even the thought of it. My ego cannot think for a moment of giving others the benefit of doubt. I was so overcome by angry thoughts, I was feeling insulted, offended, rejected, and misunderstood. But I was so far away from reality.

I also feel like I've been seeing all of my partner's weaknesses and none in myself. I want the rest of the world to improve their KC and surrender fully. But I am far away from doing that myself. All I do is some insincere lip-service and forget about discipline when it's convenient.

I have no taste for KC and I have no good sense to take advantage of good association to develop that taste. I struggle with the basics and I don't have any desire to change the status quo and stop committing offenses while chanting. Inattention. I have to overcome the lethargy, complacency, and bad attitude.

Also, I should take my Bhakti Sastri course seriously. I need to be an ambassador of my guru's love in this world. What am I doing to actually raise myself to that level as best as I can?

In short, I am fallen. I have a precious cintamani jewel, and I am taking it for granted, putting it in a corner and neglecting it. I don't know how to take advantage of my good fortune. This is my misfortune. How many people have the chance to get out of this mess? And I have no taste. But I have a big ego and consider myself very well-versed and learned. What is to become of me?

I really don't want to consider how fallen I am. I want to think of others faults. I think I'm pretty good, nice and well behaved. But I don't think I understand how often I rub people the wrong way.

May this fallen soul, who refuses to acknowledge that she is your servant, who refuses to give up sense gratification knowing that it is poison, who cannot stop fault-finding, and who cannot think nicely about others, who is hankering for respect and appreciation, who is focused on external reality and far far away from inner reality, learn to surrender. Please teach me surrender my master. I want to be engaged in your service. Please help me understand how to do that.