i don't have to eat

If I'm not hungry. I don't HAVE to eat to give Dauji company. He can live this isolated life, pretending that talking about tulsi is the fulfilling goal of life. But his lies are not mine. I don't HAVE to do anything. I can change with Krsna's help. He has helped me before. I can, if I can sincerely just give up this idea of being happy by eating at the wrong time, overeating, and eating the wrong things. I must have self awareness to stop myself from killing me. I must chant constantly. I must take help from Krsna to stop this madness. He will help me, if I just stop taking shelter of my "own separate intelligence". I can only depend on Krsna. My intelligence is corrupt, so is my mind, and my senses. I must meditate seriously, disallowing the mind and ego from dictating my actions, words, thoughts.

I must see through deceptions by being sincere in my desires. I must have only one desire TO KNOW THE TRUTH AND REALIZE IT.

I don't care about others right now. I can't. I am too self obsessed. And too concerned with pleasing others.

I feel stuck, trapped, limited, enslaved, unable to change habits, unable to continue compromising with myself goals needs and ideals.