diabetes

I was pretty shocked and defeated when I found out that my organs are insulin resistant and I'm almost on the verge of major heart, bone, vision, and other complications. Gangrene. I heard you say it Gurudeva. I can see that that is one path I could land up in. Maya is strong. I am a fool. I have been a fool. My memory is weak. What can I alone accomplish? I need your guidance Gurudeva. I need you in my life. Constantly. Please help me. I feel doomed. I feel cheated. I feel foolish. I drank so much poison. And the whole time I thought it was the only way to be happy. I never realized just how close I am to the end of the line. Do I have to fall further? Does it have to get worse for me to surrender? Why am I not able to surrender? Why does it still make logical sense when I hear thoughts about how fallen others are and how I'm so much better than them. So much superior. So diseased. Please cure me. I don't want to continue hating others just to feel better about myself.