no tears? still offensive

Until you feel separation when you chant, it means you are offensive. Past offenses are continuing to act. You must be free from them by constantly chanting. This means chanting is the one and only thing you do. It's not just a priority, it's the only activity of life. You have to give up all other mental activities, thinking I am so and so, this is mine, I can do this, I have that, life is okay, I'm not worried that I don't have Krishna. This attitude will not do. I need Krishna. He is my goal. I need nothing else. The bodily demands are not my job or business to fulfill. Krishna will help if I am too hungry.

I am suffering eternal damnation and yet I am so proud. I think I know what to do. But in truth I just follow the dictations of the modes I am under. I don't know what to do. I don't know my best interest. Krishna showed me how lack of consciousness of Him is making me commit one mistake after another. I will have serious issues to deal with on this path. My creeper of devotion is about to be destroyed. What can I do to protect it? I can't hear Gurudeva. He's not happy with me. I better chant offenselessly. I better be determined to give up stool like pleasures of the senses. I need Krishna. How can i get Krishna?

Vrindavan is in my heart but it has turned into a desert. It is dark uninhabited and has lost all charm. No one can live in such a heart. So I have left it and gone searching for pleasure. I thought I found it here. But it is a trick to keep me distracted. Such is eternal damnation. But there is hope. Krishna is teaching conditioned souls how to get out. Gurudeva is here to help me if I am simply sincere. Sincere means I am ready to accept myself as a servant of Krishna and give up this gratification process. It is sinful. My scalp is burning. My throat is full of mucous. I cannot enjoy anything. My mind is harassing me. I am simply suffering and being tortured at each moment.