The pounding hammer came and went by

As I was waiting for the inevitable delivery of my child, I researched every facet of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and parenting that I could in order to prepare myself for the tough journey ahead. I could not focus on Bhakti Sastri studies and used all my time to simply try and dissipate my anxiety.

In my mind, I felt that what was about to come would be like an approaching hammer, hammering down with increasing intensity and then flowing away into the past with the intensity gradually fading away. And that is exactly what happened. I think it was Krishna's way of telling me that it would be tough, but it would pass.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. I was tired of being pregnant and was waiting for release. I had no idea the delivery would be thirty hours long, with me fasting unintentionally. The most humbling experience was to be in a room with three strangers and my husband, completely naked, shivering from exhaustion, and begging and pleading for help, for the pain to stop, and screaming in the face of the unbearable pain.

I could not understand how I had sabotaged my own experience. But by not trusting with faith in others' intentions, I had created an atmosphere of non-cooperation that worked against me. I learned:
1. One must ask for help
2. Never assume that you know what something is all about simply because you read everything on it and all the related experiences of other people that went through it.
3. Never reject something without first understanding why it is being offered.
4. Be trusting of others if you would like them to go out of their way to make it better for you and help you willingly instead of simply being professional.
5. Oscillating from confusion at the last moment is always a bad idea.
6. People will sometimes tell you exactly what you want to hear, but that doesn't mean you should assume that they are being honest. Be very careful when someone is trying to woo you with empty promises.
7. No matter what happens, Krishna is there even when you don't surrender to Him. Even if you want to have things your way and be in control, Krishna tries to help always and He gives solace, strength, answers, and help.

Genuine faith in Krishna and genuine devotion to Him can impress others. Nothing else actually touches the hearts of others. This is real preaching.

When the circumstances are tough, tolerance and patience are difficult to have. But it is in these provoking situations that one's true colors show.

I do not realize that even though forgiveness is always a possibility, taking others for granted and misbehaving with them is not okay, no matter how justified I feel in venting out. Such behavior simply causes schisms that never heal. And they convey the message to others that I am unreliable in my behavior.

High expectations from trying to train a helpless innocent child can make one very frustrated. Once I learned to simply take it as it comes and let go of any goals and attachments to results, I was able to relax and be peaceful.

My fanaticism regarding the birth method, breastfeeding, etc. all took a big hit and for my own good. I am now super liberal. Or I just went to the other extreme, who knows. But it is definitely a humbling experience to go through all my desired events and realize that it could be better another way.

How foolish I am! How blind! How inconsiderate! How suspicious! I think I am smart, and that is my problem. I could only understand what it means to have a child after having one. I couldn't even digest the fact that I now have a daughter until 12 days had passed from the time of her birth.

But as far as she is concerned, I am happy that all the events and all the statistics are perfect. The only issue was the sharp drop in birth weight.

My dread of the pain, sorrow, shock, and distress that life inevitably brings is keeping me wary of all the happiness coming my way. I would rather be cautious than ride the wave of pleasure. In the back of my mind, I am trying to be more Krishna Conscious, and more balanced through the ups, so that I may also be more balanced through the downs.

I do not want to trust Maya. I am naive though, and I do take some things for granted. But I should know better. Maya will take away everything and give me all those things I wish to avoid, so that my surrender can become more complete. I pray that I can see your hand in all the events yet to come in my life Krishna. I hope I can develop a sincere desire to serve and rid myself of all my misconceptions about You. Please help me purify my existence and rise to that level where I can understand You better. Thank you for always being there.

During the labor, I was perturbed by the lack of progress. In my mind, I was asking Krishna. He conveyed this feeling that when the time would be perfect, the child would come, and not before that. This brought me some peace.