Gauranga

And then one day before supermoon, I get to know via an email that its Gaur Poornima the next day. So I decide to fast the next day until moonrise. And then, my parents call me to the terrace for moonrise. And I realize, I miss those days, those activities. I message a few people who are dear to me, wishing them a blissful Gaur Poornima. I try to catch some action in Mayapur online. I go into complete nostalgia of all those times. I remembered how I couldn't say no, couldn't balance things. I plunged in completely. I even realized how the mercy has been pouring in day after day, without my noticing it. A question I had asked online, got answered now, when I realized how I was being cleansed, of something I didn't know how to cleanse myself of. I read many verses. And those verses brought me to the realization of how much sweetness there was. I thought about all the coincidences. I thought of all the things that had reinforced my faith. I missed the realizations. I missed having those strange inklings that led me to take positive actions, just in time. Then I thought of how much I miss having similar-minded people around.

I was so convinced. I was so driven. Fanatical even.

But then I also thought of the extra eagerness, the pretenses, the overt humbleness (or whatever it was), the incessant mindless chanting in the hope of finding happiness or achieving purity, the constant obsessive day dreams driven by the idea of what is good for you, the constant demands - you're not good enough - you should at least do x, and when you do x, you should at least do y, nothing was ever good enough (my childhood issue of being a people pleaser working heavily against me both inside and outside iskcon), and all my crazy offenses. crazy, crazy offenses. now that i think back, i should have promised myself that if i should ever think of starting all over again, there should be nothing that i would think of and say "i shouldn't have done that."

this person i met said correctly that one who does not regret anything has had no realizations from experiences.

and then the whole thought about lilas and their perverted reflections. just because its a reflection of the truth, doesnt mean its good. its still impure and based on the lie that matter is spirit, that we are our bodies.

shlokas came rushing back. names i had forgotten came back when i remembered "matt smitir gnyanam apohanam cha."

the whole concept of pure devotees, all the buttering up of senior devotees, comparing of people to Krishna to embarrass them, test their humility, or to make them offensive by inducing pride, focusing on the frills, liking only melodious kirtan - and even thirsting for it. feeling bound by circumstances and people around. feeling unable to free myself from responsibilities that would render me independent to pursue my own path my way. fear of committing newer offenses.

what is better? chanting and offending, or not chanting and offending?

have my experiences taught me sufficiently how not to commit offenses? that which i was aiming to achieve, is it possible to achieve by the cessation of chanting? those devotees that suffocate and disappoint me - do i need their association to advance, and is it impossible for me to advance without their association? is my need to judge my seniors on the basis of their decisions -wrong? am i ready to surrender?