Discovering oneself

I thought when I was born and came into cognizance that I'm just like everyone else. It's true of course that we're all God's children and stuff. But even in the oneness there is so much diversity.

So who am I? I made this blog specifically for me to figure myself out. And have I been able to do that? Well, the thing is - you're sometimes not who you make yourself out to be.

You can strongly identify with some one thing and it almost becomes you. But then again, the world and you are somewhat like a complex fabric woven together. And you have no clue where you stop and where the rest of the world starts. And its easy to get lost.

This life has been like a dream. I can sometimes visualise myself as a man with a long white beard, wrinkled skin, in another mood altogether. But still know that its me alright. It's me.

So who am I? I feel and think most of the time. It's what I like doing with myself. This feeling thinking business has been on since a long time. It's fun, I admit. I like the whole spectrum - ranging from pure speculation to pure terror. Extreme joy, extreme melancholy. I like the emotions strong and nice. Extremes. I like extremes.

And thoughts - I like to be aware. What exactly I become aware of, I don't know. But that awareness. It's nice. It feels good. I feel powerful, influential, in control, calm, serene, sharp, intelligent, manipulative, controlling, free, careless, active, alive. Hmm. I like it when I'm very aware. New thoughts - concepts, ideas, explanations, realisations. Yes, awareness promises realisations. I like meditation because it leads to awareness.

And who am I? I can't classify myself. There is no slot. I'm always on a limbo - some extreme. Impulsive. What is my natural inclination with respect to others? Well, thats something I had no clue about up until recently. It seems,that I am an idealist.

I have very strong ideas about what is ideal. Included in this inclination is the propensity to help, teach and heal. I like doing those things. Now that I look back at my experiences - it makes total sense. I never thought it would be so difficult to figure myself out. Or that it would come as a surprise to me.

Well, so much for a superficial survey on the physical/ mental level of what I perceive as myself.

Somehow, I'm convinced its just the tip of the iceberg, and if I can see the big berg below the water I'm going to freak out! Lets hope my inclinations and patterns lead me one day to discovering all this.

Right now I'm pretty down. With no one else to blame. I've just been taking things too lightly, letting down all my guards. Fantasizing too much. I'm out of touch with reality. My awareness is probably at an all time low. And my head is aching. Boy, its very unlike me. I want to get out. But this weird inertia has set in. I hope I just get up and get out of this slump.

Nothing is very clear when you're in a slump. Life becomes boring and worrisome. Really bad point to be in during a life.