Stuck forever in a loop

I am stuck again. And now its high time that I learn how to come unstuck on my own. I read, and I interact with people. There's very little outside of this routine of mine. And my interactions with people are because of my previous interactions with them. I can't seem to break away from all of them. Its not helping however to keep sliding down the sheer cliff that I'm trying to hang onto, while others are unintentionally weakening my grip. The devotee association that is my only source of nutrition in this desert of life is far far away from me. And every time I need strength I have to travel all the way. It's becoming more and more difficult to travel back and forth. And although I would love to be munificent and distribute my pot of nectar amongst everyone, I would rather come back with enough for everyone. Unless I am capable of helping people out how does it make sense to get a bucket of water from the river and allow all of it to just evaporate. First I need to selfishly move forward and leave everyone aside. I need to forget about niceties and compassion. Once I have something that I can never lose I don't mind moving into the middle of the hurricane and staying put. But let me find that which I have been looking for in my every lifetime. Let me approach that source and destination. Let me connect myself. If some deserving candidate wishes to hang onto my feet on the edge of the sheer cliff, then so be it. By what relation is the world denying me my bliss? Which law states that I cannot be selfish because its not communistic to think so? Why should I feel guilty about leaving behind invalids who I cannot even begin to help? I came alone into this world and I am leaving alone too. The truth is that we are all alone in our struggle. Spiritual life is a very personal experience. No one else can share in it.